Group #20: Random People In Your Group of Friends

Picture this: you are hanging out with some college buddies, kicking it like old times. Someone cracks a joke that makes everyone uncomfortable. Then you realize, who the hell is this person???

You ask your former roommate who that person was. She replies, “I thought she was your friend.”

Who invited you? No one in the group seems to know you. Yet, you act like you don't notice the blank stares when you retell a story we all are supposed to remember. But, who ARE you? Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, you must be someone's main squeeze. Wait, you're single. Hmmm.

Well, Chris...Taylor...Ashley, that was a great story. Note to self: watch facebook friend requests more closely.

Random people in your group of friends: stop ticking me off!

Group #10: PeTA

I love animals. I think they are great companions to humans. What's not to love about a loyal dog, or your trusted horse? But...I hate PeTA with a passion that burns in my very soul. I came up with 15 reasons why I can't stand PeTA:

1. Everyone cannot be a vegan. You are not going to convert people who spent most of their lives eating what they eat. Not to mention, many domestic animals were raised to be food. Wouldn't this throw off the ecological balance if we all stop eating them? Think about this, PeTA...

2. They have such a high and mighty attitude that they claim Jesus was a vegan. Apparently, they must have not realized that Jesus was Jewish and followed Jewish traditions. Lamb is eaten during Passover. And I guess the story about the five loafs and two fish that fed thousands of people was made-up, huh? Jewish culture insult #1.

3. They don't want us to exploit animals, but yet they exploit women and sex by having the naked campaign ads, as well as the new ad banned from TV. LOOK AT IT!!! You have an underwear-clad woman rubbing her pelvis against a pumpkin! I'm sorry, I'm usually against censorship, but this ad makes me NOT want to eat the veggies I love. Now every time I have a carrot, I'm gonna wonder where it's been. F*** YOU, PeTA!

4. On their website, they rant about New Orleans not running their pro-spay and neutering ad-spot. The ad spot features a couple encouraging their teenage daughter to have as much sex as she wants, even if she gets pregnant. PeTA calls NOLA hypocritical for not airing this ad, but hosting Mardi Gras. Oh, I forgot. PeTA would hate that since the holiday is named for the meat feasts during the time period. Yeah, that's way hypocritical. Gulf Coast culture insult #1. (P.S. Mardi Gras is a religious observance occurring before the pious fasting period of Lent.)

5. Speaking of animal control...so, lemme get this straight. We shouldn't eat animals for food, but we should cut their gonads off so they won't reproduce? That makes no sense, PeTA! Don't animals have the right to have offspring? I mean you are an animal rights group. Animals can't choose to have birth control like humans.

6. During the disaster of Hurricane Katrina, PeTA kept making all kinds of noise about "abandoned pets." They just couldn't understand why pet abandonment was so widespread. News flash, PeTA: it wasn't and never has been. Pet abandonment in natural disasters is a felony on the Gulf Coast. However, dogs and cats both have a habit of running off to escape the storm themselves. People on the Coast know this and try to prevent it as much as possible. Furthermore, the "majority" of "abandon pets" never left the sides of their owners, who are now floating face down in the toxic water. Gulf Coast culture insult #2.

7. PeTA rescued animals, but not humans in the aftermath of Katrina. Even the White Supremacist group National Vanguard rescued people. Gulf Coast culture insult #3.

8. PeTA kills animals that don't get rescued and are against anti-kill shelters. Wait, so PeTA can decide what animals live or die? Where the hell is animal rights to life? And we STILL can't eat them to live ourselves? What the F***, PeTA?

9. PeTA uses celebrities in their campaigns, patronizing to its target demographic. They also seem to not care whether said celebrity uses fur in their clothing line (Kimmora Lee Simmons), is a pornstar with a VD (Pamela Anderson Lee), or eats meat despite starring in vegan ads (Sophie Monk).

10. PeTA often argues that soy can be made more meat-like and that faux fur looks better than real fur. Ok, but why even make that argument? Faux fur looks just like real fur. Isn't that defeating the point?

11. PeTA has given lots of money to known domestic terrorists groups, such as the Animal Liberation Front. ALF is usually seen as terroristic as anti-abortionists who bomb clinics. These are the wackos of animal rights groups.

12. PeTA is against milk and diary. You know, that stuff your doctor tells you to eat and drink for good digestion and strong bones. Your mom used to tell you this.

13. Speaking of momma, PeTA seems to target children by questioning wisdom our moms teach us. My mommy does not kill animals. She only cooked them. It is people's right to teach whatever they want to their children, even sick, twisted stuff like hate for others. It is still a parental right. Respect that, PeTA.

14. PeTA has compared the suffering of animals raised for food to the Holocaust and American Slavery. How is that even remotely the same??? Nazis didn't eat Jews. Whites didn't eat slaves. Double insult: Jewish culture #2 and American Blacks.

15. PeTA is against using animals for AIDS research. WHAT??? PeTA's founder Ingrid Newkirk has been quoted saying that PeTA would still be against using animals even if it leads to a cure. Love valuing animal life above human life, huh, PeTA?

Bonus: PeTA was pissed in 2003 when a Palestinian bomb blew up an Israeli bus. No one was hurt, thank God. But PeTA was upset since the bomb was strapped to a donkey. A portion of the note written to Yasser Arafat.

Your Excellency ... We have received many calls and letters from many people shocked at the bombing ... in which a live donkey, laden with explosives, was intentionally blown up. All nations behave abominably in many ways when they are fighting their enemies, and animals are always caught in the crossfire. The U.S. Army abandoned thousands of loyal service dogs in Vietnam. Al-Qaeda and the British government have both used animals in hideously cruel biological weaponry tests. We watched on television as stray cats in your own compound fled as best they could from Israeli bulldozers.... If you have the opportunity, will you please add to your burdens my request that you appeal to all those who listen to you to leave the animals out of this conflict?"

So who cares if any Jews or Palestinians were killed, as long as animals are left out of it? Jewish insult #3.

You really have outdone yourself, PeTA. PeTA: Stop ticking me off!!!

Group #7: Panhandlers that follow you around--at night.

The economy is bad. Everyone knows that. As the economy worsens, you will see more and more people on the street. Here in Los Angeles, the homeless problem is so out of hand, vagrants are almost part of the scenery. There are so many, that their situations burden and overwhelm the non-homeless. Thus, we encounter the moral quagmire of handing money to people on the street.

I learned my lesson my first year in Los Angeles not to give money on the street. I gave a man in a wheelchair five dollars for his "baby who needed formula." I encountered him two weeks later with the same story. And again three weeks after that. Then I wrote a check to a woman who was chased out of my university's church. I told her I wanted to help her, but I do not carry cash (I really don't, for safety reasons). Even as a I wrote her a check on my way to class, she kept insisting I take her to the bank to cash it, or to withdraw cash. I told her I was late for class, so the check will have to do for now. She wouldn't take it.

I do give food if anyone asks and I have some on me. To me, giving food has more meaning than money. Sometimes if I have extra food, I would place it in a non-confrontational place in plain view of several groups of people. That way, whoever is hungry can save face.

Why do panhandlers bother me so much? Because most I have encountered are very aggressive. They corner me and ask for change. They almost yell out to me if I am wearing headphones. They block my path. They creep up behind me in stores and ATMs. They wait for me outside of train stations. They follow me if I say no. They insult me for no reason. They play on the sympathy and/or fear of others for their personal gain. And they are illegally obtaining funds out of people using these methods. If you are approaching me out of the shadows to ask for change, I will not reach for my wallet, I would reach for my mace!

Please do not creep up on me. How do I know you will not mug me? Or that you lack a weapon? Are you targeting me because I am a woman? And don't follow me to see where I am going. It's none of your business and it won't change my mind about giving you change!

Some tell you sob stories in order to play up the emotion factor. One guy even went as far as to complement me on my sense of style and beauty before asking for change. He also blocked the sidewalk so I couldn't just slip off and go about my day. After a long sob story about losing his job, I told him someone asks me for money everyday on my way to and from work. If I gave money to everyone I see in one day, I wouldn't be able to eat. I don't think he was expecting that answer.

The worst ones are those young hippie-looking kids you KNOW are not homeless. Why the hell should I give change to someone wearing Jordans? I can't afford Jordans. If you need a ticket to get to New York, sell your shoes or get a job, punk! Hell, I need a ticket myself. Will you help me out? I don't have any change!

Trust me, I will help the best way I know how, without feeling that my life might be in danger because of some aggressive panhandler who feels he's entitled to my money. If you are hungry, I'll give you a hot meal. If you are cold, I'll find a blanket. If you are lonely, I'll keep you company. But there will always be the rotten apples that ruin people's good intentions for those who really need it.

I just don't believe I am helping anyone by giving money on the street to random people. I now feel it's more harm than good. We are supposed to teach people to fish, not give them fish. Even God helps those who help themselves.

Aggressive Panhandlers: stop ticking me off!

Group #6: Rickrollers

They lurk on message boards and internet conversations. They strike when you least expect it. They may even be your brother-in-law. They are the internet pirates known as "rickrollers."

This was funny for four minutes back in March. It was even funny when I accidentally rick-rolled myself in September. It was even funny when someone had enough time to manipulate President-elect Obama's speeches into a rickroll.



Now it's just annoying. They are not as annoying as spammers, trolls, or those people who fall for those chain letter emails that say," you will die tonight unless you send this to 50 people" (look for future groups...). But they are annoying just the same. I'm minding my own business, surfing the internet, talking on some great message boards, when someone provides a link to a great YouTube video pertaining to our discussion. "You gotta watch this," they urge. My curiosity gets the best of me. Click. What a minute. Where does this cheesy 80s music comes from? And why does the singer look like he belongs on Saved by the Bell?



How the hell did I fall for this? Fool me once. On to another site. Ok. Back to normal. Oooh, I would love to see a video about cute puppies! I love dogs! Click.



DAMMIT! What the hell, man!? Where' s the damn puppies? Whatever. Check my email. Looks like my friend sent me an video about Dafur. Click. Oh hell no.


How is that even funny? Those poor people in Dafur. To think someone used their plight to get me to click on a site, so I can look at some singer wearing too much hairgel. This has got to STOP!

Rickrollers: stop ticking me off!!!

Group #5: People Who Sing Along to Their iPods in Public

I understand how you can get lost in the music. I've done it myself. But not in public where everyone can see how big on an idiot you look. I know I am not the only one ticked off by these people. There was this guy today singing to his heart's content while I was waiting on my train. I had to listen to his tone-deaf ass maul through some Backstreet Boys songs all the way home! And it didn't help that he was Asian. One point for racial stereotype.

Worse, some guy decided to outsing him. I had to listen to them both! Someone said under his breath, "shut the hell up." See, now I really know I'm not the only one bothered!

Words of advice, Tone-deaf Asian Guy and Competitive Latino Dude, if you're gonna sing a song in public, sing songs everyone loves to sing to, like Christmas songs. Unless you're Jewish. Then sing something else. Also, allow people to bet on who tires their vocal cords first, kinda like the "Dueling Banjos". Better than American Idol anyway.

In the mean time: People Who Sing Along to Their iPods in Public, stop ticking me off!!!

Group #4: "Intellectuals" That Don't Know Squat

Socrates once said, "True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing." Well, there are alot of people out there who fancy themselves experts in everything, but are too stupid to realize that they are kidding themselves. And they tick me off.

Everyone knows one: the know-it-all that sounds dumber with every word that comes out. They insist that children get HIV needles in their Halloween candy, or that 9/11 was planned by the US government. They are part pseudo-academic and part conspiracy theorist. They point out politically correct facts that everyone already knows. Yes, we know that women are more likely to be raped by a familiar than a stranger. We also know that not every American speaks English or can read. Why do you think this is pleasant conversation?

They lurk places like Internet message boards and YouTube, spouting their warped statistics like some kind of Bill O'Reilly, Jr. Everyone else is wrong and they're right. They come in all forms: the racist academic, the European anti-American basher, the MBA who can't explain economics; the blue-collar everyman voice; the "doctor" who can't spell tibia; the "my dad says" teen; the anti-government nut; the "lawyer" who can't define due process, the mathematician that doesn't understand math; and the new college grad that probably drank his way through physics.

You are only going to make an ass of yourself. No one will think you are Einstein if you keep quoting chain letters that were emailed to you 15 minutes ago.

Pseudo-Intellectual Jerks: stop ticking me off!!!

Group #3: Rude "Sunday Drivers"

Everyone who knows me knows I do not drive. Even in the heart of LA, I don't need a car. I walk or take the train or bus everywhere I go, and it works for me. I can pretend that I am helping the environment. But being a pedestrian in the middle of car country is hard at times, and unsafe.

The particular ones that piss me off are the drivers who seemed to have bought their license. You know the ones: they cut through parking lots, push people on bikes off the road, and try to beat the light. Yesterday, coming from work, I crossed a street legally. A woman driver gave me the right-of-way like she was supposed to. The male driver behind her kept honking his horn impatiently, like he had some Colombian snow in his trunk and the cops were behind him. She continued to let me cross. Then she proceeded. He sped through the intersection cutting off several cars. You see: he was in the wrong lane. Second problem: I work in Government Square, a heavily policed area of town. So he probably had a ticket waiting.

I don't know how many times I have nearly gotten hit, or I have seen people plow through pedestrians and bikers, like they are in the way. What is UP with that? How about sharing the road. And the sidewalk. And please stop blocking crosswalks!!!

Sunday Drivers: stop ticking me off!!!

Group #2: Wiggers

Do I really need to blog about this one? I'm black, so you can see why this would tick me off. First of all, they are not being themselves, and fake people always tick me off. Secondly, they are using images of what they think black people act like and further instill the stereotypes.

I knew some wiggers once. They listened to hip-hop and tried to carry a conversation with me about how Tupac is the greatest rapper ever. Which is fine, except everyone has stated that. They wore Fubu and Phat Farm. They talked about "being hardcore gangstas". They used "black" slang from ten years ago. They claimed to love fried chicken and grape soda. They always wanted to know where the best weed was.

Well, I hate fried chicken and I don't drink non-diet soda. I'm not a Rasta or Jamaican, so wiggers would have to find their own weed. Go back to your bubble Mcmansion existence and take your mom's SUV with you.

Wiggers, stop ticking me off!!!

Group #1: People Who Eat In Grocery Stores Before Paying

I'm happily shopping along, getting my nourishment for the week, when suddenly some guy pushes by me munching away at a Doritos bag that he picked up in aisle 6. His children eat the popsicles from the frozen food section. Isn't there some grocery store code against this? Why do some people find it necessary to "sample" the groceries before they buy them?

I really, really, REALLY despise this. Why does this parent believe that it's okay to teach children you can eat something without paying for it? Grocery stores are not restaurants!!! You buy, then eat!

It grosses me out, too. This man just grabbed a box of cereal with his Dorito-stained hands. And guess what? The sticky children don't like that cereal. Back on the shelf it goes. Now some unsuspecting mother-of-five will pick up that box and get a nasty surprise of spit and cheese-flavored dust on her hands.

There should be a rule: No eating of merchandise in store. If broken, you and your sticky tax-deductions are banned from that store. You hear me, Doritos Guy???

People who eat in grocery stores: stop ticking me off!