Group #18: Bad Parents

If I were a songwriter, I would write an ode to all the awesome parents out there. Parents so awesome, they would arm wrestle an old lady for the last G. I. Joe on the shelf during the Christmas rush, or camp outside three days to get their child into that exclusive school (thanks, mom and dad!).

But ever so often, you witness an abomination of parenthood. Parents so terrible, they keep Maury and the state social service departments in business for years. I'm talking about you, Octomom.

But not just her, any so-called “parent” you may witness in life who doesn't take their role as provider and teacher very seriously. Whether it's a dad who uses their toddler as a beer can holder, or a mom who shuts her screaming child up with candy, they insure pure, generational failure of the highest form. My, someone's gene pool is as deep as my frying pan. When your child flunks out of his TV/VCR repair school because he keeps blowing up his meth lab, don't wonder what went wrong.



Your child should be the most important thing in your life. A child is not a toy or a fashion accessory. Your child is a person who depends on you for a lifetime of guidance. So, please, Britney Spears and company, use a child safety seat. And don't be afraid to slap some sense into your teen every once in awhile, Federation of Moms of Out-of-Control-Teens on Maury. But not too hard. Bail and legal fees are expensive.

I may not advocate sterilization, but some people are pushing it. Maybe I should write my congressperson to be sure.

Bad Parents: stop ticking me off!

Group #16: C-List Celebrities Milking That 15 Minutes

Apparently, at some point in life, everyone once to become famous. Usually this dream goes away before adulthood; that's when you realize you may not want the paparazzi in your face while on vacation. Or going through a nasty divorce. Or being charged with a DUI. Most of us like our less-than-fanfare existence and if given the choice between rich or famous, would choose rich.

But there is a special group of people this does not apply to. Their stint on American Idol, The Real World, or Cops is over and they want to extend that 15 minutes as long as possible. These "celebrities" just don't quit. How much attention does a person need in a lifetime? And who cares?

Your typical, attention-whore C-lister thinks of this: "Hmmm, what else can I do to completely waste the media and normal people's time? How can I distract them from the escalating drug war in Central America or the child molester on the loose?" Take your pick. Talk about projects "in the works"with respectable A-listers and companies. Have more children than a kindergarten classroom. Sleep with a US Senator. Cut an album vaguely resembling music. Come out as gay. Some guy even killed a couple.

Do us all a favor and take a more respectable trek back into obscurity. Or is that not media maverick enough? Well, who cares. At best, people are going to wonder, "Who is this person?" At worst, prepare to overpromote yourself as the headline news story at some county fair or church festival in Montana. And remember that the banner for your event always has to read "Popular realty show-star John McMediaWhore." And remember to give them a shout-out in your exposé book no one would read.

C-listers milking that 15 minutes: stop ticking me off!

Group #11: Musicians or other non-actor "Celebs" who think they can act

What a way to cheapen the craft of acting. I don't consider myself an actress by any means, but I have friends who are actors and I respect their craft to the fullest. However, just cause you have a little money doesn't mean that your ass can act!

So, you thought it would be cool to be in a movie. Maybe you even thought about your Oscar acceptance speech, how you can compare it to winning a Grammy. Well, keep dreaming.

Even if actors do what they are told, acting is not for the faint at heart. Your heart must be in it, or else you get a steaming pile of s*** like Soul Plane.

There are too many violators to count. Jessica Simpson, Snoop Dogg, Beyonce, Bono, Paris Hilton (God help us), Lil' Wayne, Lil' Romeo, even pornstars--and we all know how much acting goes into that! Believe me, there are exceptions to the rule, such as Mos Def or Queen Latifah, but these are few and far in between. You are not a Singer-"slash"-actor. You are just some celebrity wasting some time and money. But hey, better a movie than drugs, right?

Your acting career should consist of showcasing your house on MTV Cribs. Leave the acting to the actors. Maybe my actor friends should cut an album. See how you like that.

Musicians or other non-actor "Celebs" who think they can act: stop ticking me off!