Group #18: Bad Parents

If I were a songwriter, I would write an ode to all the awesome parents out there. Parents so awesome, they would arm wrestle an old lady for the last G. I. Joe on the shelf during the Christmas rush, or camp outside three days to get their child into that exclusive school (thanks, mom and dad!).

But ever so often, you witness an abomination of parenthood. Parents so terrible, they keep Maury and the state social service departments in business for years. I'm talking about you, Octomom.

But not just her, any so-called “parent” you may witness in life who doesn't take their role as provider and teacher very seriously. Whether it's a dad who uses their toddler as a beer can holder, or a mom who shuts her screaming child up with candy, they insure pure, generational failure of the highest form. My, someone's gene pool is as deep as my frying pan. When your child flunks out of his TV/VCR repair school because he keeps blowing up his meth lab, don't wonder what went wrong.



Your child should be the most important thing in your life. A child is not a toy or a fashion accessory. Your child is a person who depends on you for a lifetime of guidance. So, please, Britney Spears and company, use a child safety seat. And don't be afraid to slap some sense into your teen every once in awhile, Federation of Moms of Out-of-Control-Teens on Maury. But not too hard. Bail and legal fees are expensive.

I may not advocate sterilization, but some people are pushing it. Maybe I should write my congressperson to be sure.

Bad Parents: stop ticking me off!

Group #9: "I-can-press-the-button-too" Elevator Button-Pushers

Going up? So are we. I see you are stopping on the 5th floor. So am I! But, guess what? I already pressed the button. I don't think the elevator will get to the floor any faster with a second push.

It's like these people do not trust others already in the elevator. We're going to the same damn floor! Must you have control over everything? Did you mother deprive you of button-pressing experience as a child? No one over the age of five should press the same elevator button twice.

How about those button-pushers on elevators that only have two flights. LA's subway stations are full of these people. You are going from Platform to Mezzanine when four people behind you all press the Mezzanine button! ALL of you are getting off at the same floor! The elevator only has two!

Look. Don't you see the light? I guess in some elevators the button light can be broken, but how many elevators have you REALLY seen like that? Probably none. Those little lights can last through the Apocalypse. That way, you still will know what floor you are going off, even if nuclear blast destroys the rest of the building.

The worst offenders: people who press the button continuously while someone is obviously trying to catch the elevator. I guess the philosophy behind this act of selfishness stems from the belief that if you keep pressing some button other than "open doors" the doors will close faster. I think it's all in your mind. In fact, some elevators seem to fuck with people who think this. Remember the last time you may have been in an elevator and the "Close door" button failed to close the door? Yeah.

The "I-can-press-the-button-too" Elevator Button-Pushers, stop ticking me off!