Group #16: C-List Celebrities Milking That 15 Minutes

Apparently, at some point in life, everyone once to become famous. Usually this dream goes away before adulthood; that's when you realize you may not want the paparazzi in your face while on vacation. Or going through a nasty divorce. Or being charged with a DUI. Most of us like our less-than-fanfare existence and if given the choice between rich or famous, would choose rich.

But there is a special group of people this does not apply to. Their stint on American Idol, The Real World, or Cops is over and they want to extend that 15 minutes as long as possible. These "celebrities" just don't quit. How much attention does a person need in a lifetime? And who cares?

Your typical, attention-whore C-lister thinks of this: "Hmmm, what else can I do to completely waste the media and normal people's time? How can I distract them from the escalating drug war in Central America or the child molester on the loose?" Take your pick. Talk about projects "in the works"with respectable A-listers and companies. Have more children than a kindergarten classroom. Sleep with a US Senator. Cut an album vaguely resembling music. Come out as gay. Some guy even killed a couple.

Do us all a favor and take a more respectable trek back into obscurity. Or is that not media maverick enough? Well, who cares. At best, people are going to wonder, "Who is this person?" At worst, prepare to overpromote yourself as the headline news story at some county fair or church festival in Montana. And remember that the banner for your event always has to read "Popular realty show-star John McMediaWhore." And remember to give them a shout-out in your exposé book no one would read.

C-listers milking that 15 minutes: stop ticking me off!

Group #15: Guys Who Use Cheesy Pickup Lines

It's bad enough going through life as a woman. Every civilization on earth sees you as a baby machine, or a man-pleaser. You get that painful, annoying thing every month, and people call you a bitch for showing a little leadership. So understand when I don't jump for joy when you tell me my pants are like a mirror. I don't see you in them!

Cheesy pickup lines should stay in 1970s sitcoms where they belong. Nothing says "I still live with my mother" than a inappropriate pick-up line. What's my sign??? Whatever happened to "hi" ? And stop telling me how much you love a woman with curves, or a full-figured woman. I know what you mean, and the answer is no. Plus, telling me how much you love full-figured women is like telling me you think I'm chubby, but doable.

You are not clever, sir. I actually feel sorry for you. But I still won't sleep with you. So I don't need another bone in my body, I don't wanna know how long I've been running though your mind, and I may scream your name later, but only to point you out to the cops, you perv!

Guys Who Use Cheesy Pickup Lines: stop ticking me off!

Group #14: Spammers

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Group #13: The "I'm-Not-Racists" Who Quote Racists

In order to close Black History Month, I would like to dedicate this section to a special group of people. And by "special", I mean special ed. Of course, I'm talking about those people who claim not to be racist, yet love to quote some chain letter they saw originally written by a white nationalist.

When Attorney General Eric Holder urged Americans of all creeds to openly discuss race, these "special" group of people took offense, and in some crazy way, actually accomplished what Holder asked of them. These people start off every discussion about race with the words: "I'm no racist, but..."

...But what? Are you actually going to say something racist? Why do you have to warn people of what you are going to say? Apparently, it's the worst thing in the world to be labeled a racist. How offensive, right?

It's okay to be proud of your race. It is also okay to talk openly about race. It is NOT okay, however, to use someone else's misguided and unresearched opinion as your own. That makes you a stupid racist!

So when Black History Month rolls around each year, you will find this poem in message boards, YouTube videos, and Yahoo answers:

Proud To Be White

Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" .. And that's OK.
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You Have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP.

You have BET. If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) .. We'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day . You would call us racists. If we had White History Month . We'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives We'd be racists. We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships you know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" .. THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, You would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're Not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride .. You call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer Shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running From the law and posing a threat to society .. You call him a racist.

I am proud. But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists? There is nothing improper about this e-mail. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. Hell of a point made here, isn't it?

*deep sigh*. Man, this is depressingly stupid. And yet I see it every February, as well as quoted from many "not-racists." Especially those who like to declare things like, "if we had a NAAWP, the National Association for the Advancement of White People, it would be racist." That's because there IS a NAAWP, and it IS racist. It's a white supremacist group, founded in 1953. Google it, dumbass!

Not to mention the NAACP is 100 years old, and was started to fight and represent blacks against biased Jim Crow laws. And it had white founders as well the black founders. If you paid attention during BHM, you would know that.

It will be pointless to point out all the misinformation in this steaming pile. I'll just focus on the information that's the most outlandish.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

Yeah, cause we all know how much the Georgia wilderness in movie Deliverance was similar to Disneyland (cue banjos). But seriously, it's not rocket science to figure out most crime happens in poor areas. In America, minorities make up most of those poor areas. People result to crime worldwide as a means of survival. Plus, you are delusional if you don't believe crime happens in Vermont or Connecticut.

You have BET.
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) ..
We'd be racists.

I call bullshit, sir. Last time I checked, whites owned BET. Since 2001, I believe. In fact, whites own most of the stations out there. And it's not like there are no white people on television. Shows like Laguna Beach, Gossip Girl and Gilmore Girls look pretty white to me. How about you start a WET? What a stupid name anyway. People would think it's a swimming or porn channel.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were
"White colleges" .. THAT would be a racist college.

I hate this damn argument. Are you completely lacking in history that you forgot blacks couldn't go to school with whites? These schools are HBCUs or Historically Black Colleges and Universities. That means, historically, they were save havens for college-bound blacks that normally would be denied admittance to "white" colleges, like Princeton. Walk on any American campus that is not an HBCU and you would see more white students than any one else. Sounds like a white college to me.

Just to add on to this unfounded statement. Whites can go to these schools and many do. Usually on scholarships made for whites who go to HBCUs. I knew plenty of whites applying to Xavier University of Louisiana for its rigorous pre-med program, or to Howard for its pre-law program. One school even had its first white valedictorian last year.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching For your race and
rights. If we marched for our race and rights, You would call us racists.

Oh, COME ON! White people march all the time. Abortion rights, religious rights, gay rights, the environment, animal rights, war efforts. If it's political, white people are there.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're Not afraid to
announce it. But when we announce our white pride .. You call us racists.

Uh....Irish pride. German pride. French pride. British pride. Russian Pride.
Armenian pride. Scottish pride. And who are orange people?

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer Shoots
a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running From the law and
posing a threat to society .. You call him a racist.

This is where the poem goes from paranoid to irrational. Just because I am black doesn't mean I'm going to rob you. In fact, I don't think most blacks out there want to rob you. But with this quote you paint all black people to have these tendencies. For the record, this is what pisses black people off. And it's a racist assumption. I mean, most American serial killers and terrorists are white. Should I believe just because you are white, you want to strangle me and store my corpse in your crawlspace?

I'm not racist, but I think these "special" people should open a book, take a history course, and stop watching the O'Reilly Factor. A little research never hurts anyone.

"Non-Racists" who quote racists: stop ticking me off!

Group #12: PDA-loving Lovebirds

In honor of Valentine's Day, I would like to use some Internet space in order to rant about a special group of people who tick me off. They probably tick you off, too. It's those lovebirds that kiss and hug up on each other in public.

I have a boyfriend, and yes, I kiss him in public. However, there is a difference between me kissing the cheek of my boyfriend of nearly five years and those teenaged, hormone-filled couples that have been going steady for a week. That difference is about 2 movie ratings.




Ewww. You can see the slobber. I feel like I need to take a shower just from watching. Look, I know you are in love, or whatever, but can't you two do this somewhere else? Your parents' bedroom, the back seat of your Ford Echo, your sister's dormroom, anywhere but in public! Put your hands where I can see them! Uhh...not there. And you, guy, put on some baggy pants! I feel like I'm going blind.

I guess there is something wrong with me. How can I not want my boyfriend, all day, everyday, so that we are together in public, I'll let him unhook my bra while I'm still wearing my shirt? Oh yeah, it's because I'm an adult.

So keep pawing at each other. That way, you won't notice me slipping saltpeter in your Dr. Pepper.

PDA-loving Lovebirds: stop ticking me off!

Group #11: Musicians or other non-actor "Celebs" who think they can act

What a way to cheapen the craft of acting. I don't consider myself an actress by any means, but I have friends who are actors and I respect their craft to the fullest. However, just cause you have a little money doesn't mean that your ass can act!

So, you thought it would be cool to be in a movie. Maybe you even thought about your Oscar acceptance speech, how you can compare it to winning a Grammy. Well, keep dreaming.

Even if actors do what they are told, acting is not for the faint at heart. Your heart must be in it, or else you get a steaming pile of s*** like Soul Plane.

There are too many violators to count. Jessica Simpson, Snoop Dogg, Beyonce, Bono, Paris Hilton (God help us), Lil' Wayne, Lil' Romeo, even pornstars--and we all know how much acting goes into that! Believe me, there are exceptions to the rule, such as Mos Def or Queen Latifah, but these are few and far in between. You are not a Singer-"slash"-actor. You are just some celebrity wasting some time and money. But hey, better a movie than drugs, right?

Your acting career should consist of showcasing your house on MTV Cribs. Leave the acting to the actors. Maybe my actor friends should cut an album. See how you like that.

Musicians or other non-actor "Celebs" who think they can act: stop ticking me off!

Group #10: PeTA

I love animals. I think they are great companions to humans. What's not to love about a loyal dog, or your trusted horse? But...I hate PeTA with a passion that burns in my very soul. I came up with 15 reasons why I can't stand PeTA:

1. Everyone cannot be a vegan. You are not going to convert people who spent most of their lives eating what they eat. Not to mention, many domestic animals were raised to be food. Wouldn't this throw off the ecological balance if we all stop eating them? Think about this, PeTA...

2. They have such a high and mighty attitude that they claim Jesus was a vegan. Apparently, they must have not realized that Jesus was Jewish and followed Jewish traditions. Lamb is eaten during Passover. And I guess the story about the five loafs and two fish that fed thousands of people was made-up, huh? Jewish culture insult #1.

3. They don't want us to exploit animals, but yet they exploit women and sex by having the naked campaign ads, as well as the new ad banned from TV. LOOK AT IT!!! You have an underwear-clad woman rubbing her pelvis against a pumpkin! I'm sorry, I'm usually against censorship, but this ad makes me NOT want to eat the veggies I love. Now every time I have a carrot, I'm gonna wonder where it's been. F*** YOU, PeTA!

4. On their website, they rant about New Orleans not running their pro-spay and neutering ad-spot. The ad spot features a couple encouraging their teenage daughter to have as much sex as she wants, even if she gets pregnant. PeTA calls NOLA hypocritical for not airing this ad, but hosting Mardi Gras. Oh, I forgot. PeTA would hate that since the holiday is named for the meat feasts during the time period. Yeah, that's way hypocritical. Gulf Coast culture insult #1. (P.S. Mardi Gras is a religious observance occurring before the pious fasting period of Lent.)

5. Speaking of animal control...so, lemme get this straight. We shouldn't eat animals for food, but we should cut their gonads off so they won't reproduce? That makes no sense, PeTA! Don't animals have the right to have offspring? I mean you are an animal rights group. Animals can't choose to have birth control like humans.

6. During the disaster of Hurricane Katrina, PeTA kept making all kinds of noise about "abandoned pets." They just couldn't understand why pet abandonment was so widespread. News flash, PeTA: it wasn't and never has been. Pet abandonment in natural disasters is a felony on the Gulf Coast. However, dogs and cats both have a habit of running off to escape the storm themselves. People on the Coast know this and try to prevent it as much as possible. Furthermore, the "majority" of "abandon pets" never left the sides of their owners, who are now floating face down in the toxic water. Gulf Coast culture insult #2.

7. PeTA rescued animals, but not humans in the aftermath of Katrina. Even the White Supremacist group National Vanguard rescued people. Gulf Coast culture insult #3.

8. PeTA kills animals that don't get rescued and are against anti-kill shelters. Wait, so PeTA can decide what animals live or die? Where the hell is animal rights to life? And we STILL can't eat them to live ourselves? What the F***, PeTA?

9. PeTA uses celebrities in their campaigns, patronizing to its target demographic. They also seem to not care whether said celebrity uses fur in their clothing line (Kimmora Lee Simmons), is a pornstar with a VD (Pamela Anderson Lee), or eats meat despite starring in vegan ads (Sophie Monk).

10. PeTA often argues that soy can be made more meat-like and that faux fur looks better than real fur. Ok, but why even make that argument? Faux fur looks just like real fur. Isn't that defeating the point?

11. PeTA has given lots of money to known domestic terrorists groups, such as the Animal Liberation Front. ALF is usually seen as terroristic as anti-abortionists who bomb clinics. These are the wackos of animal rights groups.

12. PeTA is against milk and diary. You know, that stuff your doctor tells you to eat and drink for good digestion and strong bones. Your mom used to tell you this.

13. Speaking of momma, PeTA seems to target children by questioning wisdom our moms teach us. My mommy does not kill animals. She only cooked them. It is people's right to teach whatever they want to their children, even sick, twisted stuff like hate for others. It is still a parental right. Respect that, PeTA.

14. PeTA has compared the suffering of animals raised for food to the Holocaust and American Slavery. How is that even remotely the same??? Nazis didn't eat Jews. Whites didn't eat slaves. Double insult: Jewish culture #2 and American Blacks.

15. PeTA is against using animals for AIDS research. WHAT??? PeTA's founder Ingrid Newkirk has been quoted saying that PeTA would still be against using animals even if it leads to a cure. Love valuing animal life above human life, huh, PeTA?

Bonus: PeTA was pissed in 2003 when a Palestinian bomb blew up an Israeli bus. No one was hurt, thank God. But PeTA was upset since the bomb was strapped to a donkey. A portion of the note written to Yasser Arafat.

Your Excellency ... We have received many calls and letters from many people shocked at the bombing ... in which a live donkey, laden with explosives, was intentionally blown up. All nations behave abominably in many ways when they are fighting their enemies, and animals are always caught in the crossfire. The U.S. Army abandoned thousands of loyal service dogs in Vietnam. Al-Qaeda and the British government have both used animals in hideously cruel biological weaponry tests. We watched on television as stray cats in your own compound fled as best they could from Israeli bulldozers.... If you have the opportunity, will you please add to your burdens my request that you appeal to all those who listen to you to leave the animals out of this conflict?"

So who cares if any Jews or Palestinians were killed, as long as animals are left out of it? Jewish insult #3.

You really have outdone yourself, PeTA. PeTA: Stop ticking me off!!!