Clean that s*** up! It’s the law in many places. And for good reason. I almost slipped in some on my way to work this morning. And in my good suit. Nasty.
People who don’t pick up after their pets: stop ticking me off!
Let’s set this straight, man-whores are whores. Women do not have a monopoly on the term. Man-whores will always be whores, despite their sexual orientation.
Man-whores are the worst, based on the fact a double standard exist between the genders. A man is almost expected to be a whore, but there are some that take it to another level. When your drinking buddy from college pulls you aside to talk about settling down, you should probably reevaluate your whoredom.
If you are challenging yourself by how many one-night liaisons you can get away with in a week, you are a whore. If you have sex in order to move up, you are a whore. If you keep a year’s supply of condoms handy, then you are a careful whore.
Better have a good job, because sooner or later, you may get one pass the field goal. Go ahead and budget in child support.
Picture this: you are hanging out with some college buddies, kicking it like old times. Someone cracks a joke that makes everyone uncomfortable. Then you realize, who the hell is this person???
You ask your former roommate who that person was. She replies, “I thought she was your friend.”
Who invited you? No one in the group seems to know you. Yet, you act like you don't notice the blank stares when you retell a story we all are supposed to remember. But, who ARE you? Inquiring minds want to know!
Oh, you must be someone's main squeeze. Wait, you're single. Hmmm.
Well, Chris...Taylor...Ashley, that was a great story. Note to self: watch facebook friend requests more closely.
Random people in your group of friends: stop ticking me off!
Stop it. Just stop it. It's too 1990s. I'm originally from the Gulf Coast, where we were using the word since '96. It was played out in 2001. Unless you are singing the song, don't use it. Just stop. It's too old. Got it? Tubular.
People who use the word “bling:” stop ticking me off!
If I were a songwriter, I would write an ode to all the awesome parents out there. Parents so awesome, they would arm wrestle an old lady for the last G. I. Joe on the shelf during the Christmas rush, or camp outside three days to get their child into that exclusive school (thanks, mom and dad!).
But ever so often, you witness an abomination of parenthood. Parents so terrible, they keep Maury and the state social service departments in business for years. I'm talking about you, Octomom.
But not just her, any so-called “parent” you may witness in life who doesn't take their role as provider and teacher very seriously. Whether it's a dad who uses their toddler as a beer can holder, or a mom who shuts her screaming child up with candy, they insure pure, generational failure of the highest form. My, someone's gene pool is as deep as my frying pan. When your child flunks out of his TV/VCR repair school because he keeps blowing up his meth lab, don't wonder what went wrong.
Your child should be the most important thing in your life. A child is not a toy or a fashion accessory. Your child is a person who depends on you for a lifetime of guidance. So, please, Britney Spears and company, use a child safety seat. And don't be afraid to slap some sense into your teen every once in awhile, Federation of Moms of Out-of-Control-Teens on Maury. But not too hard. Bail and legal fees are expensive.
I may not advocate sterilization, but some people are pushing it. Maybe I should write my congressperson to be sure.
GUESS WHAT? I REALLY CAN'T STAND WHEN SOMEONE TYPES IN ALL CAPS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. LOL.
OMG, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MUST YELL YOUR MESSAGE TO THE WORLD. I DOUBT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH. WTF, MAN. ARE YOU THE BILLY MAYS OF INTERNET WRITING?
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA. HOW ABOUT I RIP THE 'CAPS LOCK' OFF OF YOUR COMPUTER? THAT WAY, WE ALL CAN HAVE A DECENT INTERNET CONVERSATION IN PEACE! See? Isn't that better?
People who type in ALL CAPS: STFU already and stop ticking me off!
Apparently, at some point in life, everyone once to become famous. Usually this dream goes away before adulthood; that's when you realize you may not want the paparazzi in your face while on vacation. Or going through a nasty divorce. Or being charged with a DUI. Most of us like our less-than-fanfare existence and if given the choice between rich or famous, would choose rich.
But there is a special group of people this does not apply to. Their stint on American Idol, The Real World, or Cops is over and they want to extend that 15 minutes as long as possible. These "celebrities" just don't quit. How much attention does a person need in a lifetime? And who cares?
Your typical, attention-whore C-lister thinks of this: "Hmmm, what else can I do to completely waste the media and normal people's time? How can I distract them from the escalating drug war in Central America or the child molester on the loose?" Take your pick. Talk about projects "in the works"with respectable A-listers and companies. Have more children than a kindergarten classroom. Sleep with a US Senator. Cut an album vaguely resembling music. Come out as gay. Some guy even killed a couple.
I believe filmmaking is a shared artform. As an aspiring screenwriter, entrepreneur, and producer, I will share advice and knowledge I received from others through this blog.
