Group #10: PeTA

I love animals. I think they are great companions to humans. What's not to love about a loyal dog, or your trusted horse? But...I hate PeTA with a passion that burns in my very soul. I came up with 15 reasons why I can't stand PeTA:

1. Everyone cannot be a vegan. You are not going to convert people who spent most of their lives eating what they eat. Not to mention, many domestic animals were raised to be food. Wouldn't this throw off the ecological balance if we all stop eating them? Think about this, PeTA...

2. They have such a high and mighty attitude that they claim Jesus was a vegan. Apparently, they must have not realized that Jesus was Jewish and followed Jewish traditions. Lamb is eaten during Passover. And I guess the story about the five loafs and two fish that fed thousands of people was made-up, huh? Jewish culture insult #1.

3. They don't want us to exploit animals, but yet they exploit women and sex by having the naked campaign ads, as well as the new ad banned from TV. LOOK AT IT!!! You have an underwear-clad woman rubbing her pelvis against a pumpkin! I'm sorry, I'm usually against censorship, but this ad makes me NOT want to eat the veggies I love. Now every time I have a carrot, I'm gonna wonder where it's been. F*** YOU, PeTA!

4. On their website, they rant about New Orleans not running their pro-spay and neutering ad-spot. The ad spot features a couple encouraging their teenage daughter to have as much sex as she wants, even if she gets pregnant. PeTA calls NOLA hypocritical for not airing this ad, but hosting Mardi Gras. Oh, I forgot. PeTA would hate that since the holiday is named for the meat feasts during the time period. Yeah, that's way hypocritical. Gulf Coast culture insult #1. (P.S. Mardi Gras is a religious observance occurring before the pious fasting period of Lent.)

5. Speaking of animal control...so, lemme get this straight. We shouldn't eat animals for food, but we should cut their gonads off so they won't reproduce? That makes no sense, PeTA! Don't animals have the right to have offspring? I mean you are an animal rights group. Animals can't choose to have birth control like humans.

6. During the disaster of Hurricane Katrina, PeTA kept making all kinds of noise about "abandoned pets." They just couldn't understand why pet abandonment was so widespread. News flash, PeTA: it wasn't and never has been. Pet abandonment in natural disasters is a felony on the Gulf Coast. However, dogs and cats both have a habit of running off to escape the storm themselves. People on the Coast know this and try to prevent it as much as possible. Furthermore, the "majority" of "abandon pets" never left the sides of their owners, who are now floating face down in the toxic water. Gulf Coast culture insult #2.

7. PeTA rescued animals, but not humans in the aftermath of Katrina. Even the White Supremacist group National Vanguard rescued people. Gulf Coast culture insult #3.

8. PeTA kills animals that don't get rescued and are against anti-kill shelters. Wait, so PeTA can decide what animals live or die? Where the hell is animal rights to life? And we STILL can't eat them to live ourselves? What the F***, PeTA?

9. PeTA uses celebrities in their campaigns, patronizing to its target demographic. They also seem to not care whether said celebrity uses fur in their clothing line (Kimmora Lee Simmons), is a pornstar with a VD (Pamela Anderson Lee), or eats meat despite starring in vegan ads (Sophie Monk).

10. PeTA often argues that soy can be made more meat-like and that faux fur looks better than real fur. Ok, but why even make that argument? Faux fur looks just like real fur. Isn't that defeating the point?

11. PeTA has given lots of money to known domestic terrorists groups, such as the Animal Liberation Front. ALF is usually seen as terroristic as anti-abortionists who bomb clinics. These are the wackos of animal rights groups.

12. PeTA is against milk and diary. You know, that stuff your doctor tells you to eat and drink for good digestion and strong bones. Your mom used to tell you this.

13. Speaking of momma, PeTA seems to target children by questioning wisdom our moms teach us. My mommy does not kill animals. She only cooked them. It is people's right to teach whatever they want to their children, even sick, twisted stuff like hate for others. It is still a parental right. Respect that, PeTA.

14. PeTA has compared the suffering of animals raised for food to the Holocaust and American Slavery. How is that even remotely the same??? Nazis didn't eat Jews. Whites didn't eat slaves. Double insult: Jewish culture #2 and American Blacks.

15. PeTA is against using animals for AIDS research. WHAT??? PeTA's founder Ingrid Newkirk has been quoted saying that PeTA would still be against using animals even if it leads to a cure. Love valuing animal life above human life, huh, PeTA?

Bonus: PeTA was pissed in 2003 when a Palestinian bomb blew up an Israeli bus. No one was hurt, thank God. But PeTA was upset since the bomb was strapped to a donkey. A portion of the note written to Yasser Arafat.

Your Excellency ... We have received many calls and letters from many people shocked at the bombing ... in which a live donkey, laden with explosives, was intentionally blown up. All nations behave abominably in many ways when they are fighting their enemies, and animals are always caught in the crossfire. The U.S. Army abandoned thousands of loyal service dogs in Vietnam. Al-Qaeda and the British government have both used animals in hideously cruel biological weaponry tests. We watched on television as stray cats in your own compound fled as best they could from Israeli bulldozers.... If you have the opportunity, will you please add to your burdens my request that you appeal to all those who listen to you to leave the animals out of this conflict?"

So who cares if any Jews or Palestinians were killed, as long as animals are left out of it? Jewish insult #3.

You really have outdone yourself, PeTA. PeTA: Stop ticking me off!!!

Group #9: "I-can-press-the-button-too" Elevator Button-Pushers

Going up? So are we. I see you are stopping on the 5th floor. So am I! But, guess what? I already pressed the button. I don't think the elevator will get to the floor any faster with a second push.

It's like these people do not trust others already in the elevator. We're going to the same damn floor! Must you have control over everything? Did you mother deprive you of button-pressing experience as a child? No one over the age of five should press the same elevator button twice.

How about those button-pushers on elevators that only have two flights. LA's subway stations are full of these people. You are going from Platform to Mezzanine when four people behind you all press the Mezzanine button! ALL of you are getting off at the same floor! The elevator only has two!

Look. Don't you see the light? I guess in some elevators the button light can be broken, but how many elevators have you REALLY seen like that? Probably none. Those little lights can last through the Apocalypse. That way, you still will know what floor you are going off, even if nuclear blast destroys the rest of the building.

The worst offenders: people who press the button continuously while someone is obviously trying to catch the elevator. I guess the philosophy behind this act of selfishness stems from the belief that if you keep pressing some button other than "open doors" the doors will close faster. I think it's all in your mind. In fact, some elevators seem to fuck with people who think this. Remember the last time you may have been in an elevator and the "Close door" button failed to close the door? Yeah.

The "I-can-press-the-button-too" Elevator Button-Pushers, stop ticking me off!

Group #8: People who can't find squat on a map.

Why are people so dumb when it comes to geography? I'm not talking about finding that body of water that lies north of Iran (that's the Caspian Sea), but really, I hate it when people who claim to have a college degree cannot name the capital cities of the states bordering their own! Or cannot locate Iraq, Kuwait, or Afghanistan on a map, despite the fact we've been at war for a quite a while.

These people may say something like "the country of Africa" (I'm talking about YOU, Sarah Palin!). They can name the country that their sponsored child lives, but when pressed for details, they respond, "somewhere in South America." I guess that'll do, except your sponsored child is from Haiti.

They think South Dakota is a Southern state, or that Baja California is in California. Because the capital of Mexico is Mexico City, and the capital of Panama is Panama City, they deduce that the capital of Germany is Germantown. And there's no way Australia is an island; islands are, like, small and in the ocean.

You can easily trick one into taking a trip to London, Kentucky; Paris, Texas; or Rome, Georgia. To them, Jerusalem, New York is where that Jesus-guy hung out. And names like Texarkana and Mexicali are just too confusing for these people.

How about this: here's a GPS. Use it so you don't take a wrong turn in Albuquerque. It's in New Mexico, which is a US state.

People who can't find squat on a map: stop ticking me off!

Group #7: Panhandlers that follow you around--at night.

The economy is bad. Everyone knows that. As the economy worsens, you will see more and more people on the street. Here in Los Angeles, the homeless problem is so out of hand, vagrants are almost part of the scenery. There are so many, that their situations burden and overwhelm the non-homeless. Thus, we encounter the moral quagmire of handing money to people on the street.

I learned my lesson my first year in Los Angeles not to give money on the street. I gave a man in a wheelchair five dollars for his "baby who needed formula." I encountered him two weeks later with the same story. And again three weeks after that. Then I wrote a check to a woman who was chased out of my university's church. I told her I wanted to help her, but I do not carry cash (I really don't, for safety reasons). Even as a I wrote her a check on my way to class, she kept insisting I take her to the bank to cash it, or to withdraw cash. I told her I was late for class, so the check will have to do for now. She wouldn't take it.

I do give food if anyone asks and I have some on me. To me, giving food has more meaning than money. Sometimes if I have extra food, I would place it in a non-confrontational place in plain view of several groups of people. That way, whoever is hungry can save face.

Why do panhandlers bother me so much? Because most I have encountered are very aggressive. They corner me and ask for change. They almost yell out to me if I am wearing headphones. They block my path. They creep up behind me in stores and ATMs. They wait for me outside of train stations. They follow me if I say no. They insult me for no reason. They play on the sympathy and/or fear of others for their personal gain. And they are illegally obtaining funds out of people using these methods. If you are approaching me out of the shadows to ask for change, I will not reach for my wallet, I would reach for my mace!

Please do not creep up on me. How do I know you will not mug me? Or that you lack a weapon? Are you targeting me because I am a woman? And don't follow me to see where I am going. It's none of your business and it won't change my mind about giving you change!

Some tell you sob stories in order to play up the emotion factor. One guy even went as far as to complement me on my sense of style and beauty before asking for change. He also blocked the sidewalk so I couldn't just slip off and go about my day. After a long sob story about losing his job, I told him someone asks me for money everyday on my way to and from work. If I gave money to everyone I see in one day, I wouldn't be able to eat. I don't think he was expecting that answer.

The worst ones are those young hippie-looking kids you KNOW are not homeless. Why the hell should I give change to someone wearing Jordans? I can't afford Jordans. If you need a ticket to get to New York, sell your shoes or get a job, punk! Hell, I need a ticket myself. Will you help me out? I don't have any change!

Trust me, I will help the best way I know how, without feeling that my life might be in danger because of some aggressive panhandler who feels he's entitled to my money. If you are hungry, I'll give you a hot meal. If you are cold, I'll find a blanket. If you are lonely, I'll keep you company. But there will always be the rotten apples that ruin people's good intentions for those who really need it.

I just don't believe I am helping anyone by giving money on the street to random people. I now feel it's more harm than good. We are supposed to teach people to fish, not give them fish. Even God helps those who help themselves.

Aggressive Panhandlers: stop ticking me off!