Group #20: Random People In Your Group of Friends

Picture this: you are hanging out with some college buddies, kicking it like old times. Someone cracks a joke that makes everyone uncomfortable. Then you realize, who the hell is this person???

You ask your former roommate who that person was. She replies, “I thought she was your friend.”

Who invited you? No one in the group seems to know you. Yet, you act like you don't notice the blank stares when you retell a story we all are supposed to remember. But, who ARE you? Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, you must be someone's main squeeze. Wait, you're single. Hmmm.

Well, Chris...Taylor...Ashley, that was a great story. Note to self: watch facebook friend requests more closely.

Random people in your group of friends: stop ticking me off!

Group #19: People Who Say "Bling"

Stop it. Just stop it. It's too 1990s. I'm originally from the Gulf Coast, where we were using the word since '96. It was played out in 2001. Unless you are singing the song, don't use it. Just stop. It's too old. Got it? Tubular.

People who use the word “bling:” stop ticking me off!

Group #18: Bad Parents

If I were a songwriter, I would write an ode to all the awesome parents out there. Parents so awesome, they would arm wrestle an old lady for the last G. I. Joe on the shelf during the Christmas rush, or camp outside three days to get their child into that exclusive school (thanks, mom and dad!).

But ever so often, you witness an abomination of parenthood. Parents so terrible, they keep Maury and the state social service departments in business for years. I'm talking about you, Octomom.

But not just her, any so-called “parent” you may witness in life who doesn't take their role as provider and teacher very seriously. Whether it's a dad who uses their toddler as a beer can holder, or a mom who shuts her screaming child up with candy, they insure pure, generational failure of the highest form. My, someone's gene pool is as deep as my frying pan. When your child flunks out of his TV/VCR repair school because he keeps blowing up his meth lab, don't wonder what went wrong.



Your child should be the most important thing in your life. A child is not a toy or a fashion accessory. Your child is a person who depends on you for a lifetime of guidance. So, please, Britney Spears and company, use a child safety seat. And don't be afraid to slap some sense into your teen every once in awhile, Federation of Moms of Out-of-Control-Teens on Maury. But not too hard. Bail and legal fees are expensive.

I may not advocate sterilization, but some people are pushing it. Maybe I should write my congressperson to be sure.

Bad Parents: stop ticking me off!

Group #17: People who type in ALL CAPS

GUESS WHAT? I REALLY CAN'T STAND WHEN SOMEONE TYPES IN ALL CAPS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. LOL.

OMG, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU MUST YELL YOUR MESSAGE TO THE WORLD. I DOUBT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH. WTF, MAN. ARE YOU THE BILLY MAYS OF INTERNET WRITING?


I HAVE A GREAT IDEA. HOW ABOUT I RIP THE 'CAPS LOCK' OFF OF YOUR COMPUTER? THAT WAY, WE ALL CAN HAVE A DECENT INTERNET CONVERSATION IN PEACE! See? Isn't that better?

People who type in ALL CAPS: STFU already and stop ticking me off!